Thursday, February 04, 2010

Missing Bob and Moving Forward



A full size safe - one of the many surprises Bob left behind.

I miss my honey, I miss his company and his wit. This was so not the plan but the plans got changed and I'm on my own again. No longer have the go to guy - no longer able to plan trips without booking the single supplement or sharing with friends, no longer able to enter married on forms there is no blank for widowed just a blank for single. I want to interrupt people when they are talking about feeling lucky about not being out there trying to find that go to person that person with whom you share your life and tell them to feel blessed and not to take a day for granted because it can all turn around on your in a heartbeat. At least cancer gives you a little bit of time to put your ducks in a row, to adjust to the idea of the person not being around but you also get caught up in being the caretaker and having to go to all the appointments and seeing the person that you loved go through a horrible transformation from someone so big and strong to someone unable to even walk around the apartment on their own and it happens right before your eyes. One of the hardest things to deal with was the uncertainty of the future with a stage 4 diagnoses you know what the future holds which means you can't make the changes in your life that you had expected to make. The offer on the house was pulled and the money needed to be reserved just in case not enough money was coming in, or insurance didn't cover enough. Trips that we normally would have done could not be done because he wasn't and wouldn't be up to them anymore. We did have a nice trip for my parents anniversary before he started chemo but he reserved his energy and was not his usual self. But I was so glad to have memories of that trip and one last kayaking experience with my honey on the bio luminescent bay in Peurto Rico.
So I have started to go through his stuff and what stuff he had and now I have - he continues to make me laugh and make me happy with memories and the surprises that I find. Several of his bikes have moved on to new homes his co-motion has already traveled to Israel and his Jack Taylor is back in the hands of a brit and will be in the Jack Taylor show at Seattle Bike Expo.
Next Saturday February 13 I'm holding a celebration of his life and showing his collected works at the ART NOT TERMINAL GALLERY.

And me - I'm moving forward with some of the plans we had before the cancer struck - a new place to live with a garage to store the toys not the mid century modern place we were going to buy but a new place with a bit more room to call my own. A few trips on the agenda, a trip to Texas for my niece's wedding and maybe a cycling trip to Wisconsin over what would have been our 5th wedding anniversary.

5 comments:

tripieper said...

Hi Amy. Thanks for sharing this process and your thoughts. I do feel blessed and also happy you had the blessing of your years with Bob even though they were cut much too short. Unfortunately Robin and I will both be out of the country on the 13th but will be thinking of you.

Timothy said...

fine reflections on your life and the sacred bond you have with Bob. Glad he is still with you in spirit. It is all anyone could hope for is that our loved ones miss us, remember us, say we meant something.

I have an older friend who has died in a way-- Alzheimers. And he looked at his wife of 50 years the other day and asked "Have I done anything significant?" His wife wrote to ask that we bear witness to his life work in a letter. Very sweet. Maybe your reflections become a book.

Robyn said...

Hugs and prayers!! Your love is very eloquently expressed...just wish it didn't have to be.

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